Can I please get new neighbors?

That's it, I've had it. We bought this house back in the summer of '03 and only had decent neighbors for two years.

This evening was the last straw. While taking out the garbage, I heard the sound of branches smack the ground. My redneck neighbor was committing TREE MURDER! The hum of his reciprocating saw fueled by blood to boil. He was lopping off all the branches and trunk of a 7' crepe myrtle tree. I went inside and couldn't get the sound out of my head. I proceed back through the garage, and during a break of the chlorophyl blood bath, I said..." I would have no problem limbing that tree up for you?" my neighbor responded in his backwoods twang.." aww, naww, it's a little late for that now. (AGHHHH!) We just got lots of bugs and spiders and it's 'bout time we tend to these here bushes."

What the hell is wrong with you is really what I wanted to say! After counting to 10 backwards, I walked inside the house and continued to silently list off the reasons why I hate this neighbor. I would like to clarify one thing, in the seven years we have lived in this house I have only seen my neighbors "trim" their bushes and trees twice. A trim consists of cutting everything down to a nub in the middle of the summer. It's a miracle the stuff grows back.

Who trims a beautiful tree in hopes that it cures household pests? To get rid of spiders and bugs is simple, CLEAN YOUR HOUSE! Furthermore, have you ever heard of preventative maintenance? Simple things like regularly cutting your grass, installing new weatherstripping, re-caulking windows and crawl space vents can easily address your issue. When all else fails, call in the pro's at Terminix. That is, if you didn't spend all your extra cash on that PPV Nascar race.

Mr and Mrs Redneck live next door and have three adult children ( of whom have the signs of alcohol syndrome babies) and one seven year old. They have four cars, only two run. She once told me she "just loves animals," raising rottweilers in a 6'x6' chain link gravel filled pen. Their backyard could be the set for the next ASPCA PSA. During the hail storm of 2005, both their sunlight's were busted. When we sit on our deck we hear the sound of the trash bags that cover the openings flapping in the wind. To the rednecks credit, they are one step above my other neighbors, who still haven't replaced their pock marked siding on the west side of their house.

Are you at all curious about my other neighbors? While not focused too much on curb appeal, they are middle aged parents to five year old autistic twins. I do not feel compelled to criticize them. This family however, is very personable and waves when you drive by.

Pictures to come soon!

Right Brain, Left Brain, Both Brains

This month, Real Simple magazine featured an article on how to organize to your life according to what brain type you are. I get a kick out of these articles, especially when they include a quiz in order to help you determine which category you belong in. One night this week, Charlie and I were laying in bed and I had this great idea to share this article with him. I love to read before I go to bed, and I wouldn't blame Charlie for thinking it's just my personal form of sleep hygiene sabotage.

I will cheat at quizzes (or cards, board games, etc) if left unsupervised, so I asked Charlie to give me the quiz to keep me honest. To determine what kind of brain I was, I just had to answer "yes" or "no" to the following questions ( this is just a sampling):

1) When I'm finished using an item, I put it away immediately.

No. Only when I cook. Under all other situations I prefer the laundry basket method. Just walk around a room placing anything that doesn't belong in the basket. When you move to the next room, put back what belongs in that room and remove what doesn't.

3) Whether I'm looking at a work of art or a room, I tend to prefer symmetrical design.

Yes.

4) I like to move around my furniture a few times a year rather than stick with the same arrangement.

YES. It's a good thing no one in my household or my circle of friends is blind. I take that back, my niece is legally blind, but rarely comes to TN.

5) I'm the go to party planner for friends and family.

Yes. I can either turn a lump of coal into a diamond, or spend too much on flowers...your choice.

7) I love having a designated spot for each item in my closet or drawers.

Yes. As I wavered with this answer, Charlie pointed out the key word was "love" not "have". Don't we all love to have a designated spot for clothes? It doesn't mean we always put them where they belong.

9) I have a specific morning routine I follow to a T.

YES. And if for some reason I veer off the normal path, it leads to a very bizarre and unproductive day.

13) When I find a great dish at a restaurant, I order it every time I go there.

No. While yes, I am tempted to test their consistency- I tend to feel guilty not trying new things.

14) I often drive with the empty light flashing.

Really? No. What if the price of gas goes up 10 cents?

15) I always bring a list to the grocery store.

YES. If not, I spend WAY more than I should and my pantry will resemble a Y2K shelter.

18) My desk is filled with piles of papers, stick notes, and business cards.

Yes, but I only limit this to the middle drawer. The other drawers are organized, I promise.

19) I feel guilty if I don't follow the rules while playing board games.

No. No. No. Games are way more fun when you make up new rules as you go. If you ever play cards with me, keep a very close eye on me.

After the quiz results were tallied, Charlie gave me the news. I am not a left brain like I thought I was. I am a right brain. Charlie put it best when he said, " Lauren, you are a right brain, who is too much of a right brain, to attempt transforming into a left brain. Once you got started, you would realize how much work it takes and quit." At that moment, I felt crushed. All my life I felt like I was super organized and knew it was my personal quest to deliver order and structure to my household (even my office). After having a child, I realize that it's okay not to have it all together or organized, it just needs to be neat and sanitary. So thank you Emma (and Charlie), for bringing me the gift of organized clutter and toy chaos.

My mom would have a field day with the new craze in car stickers if she was still around. I remember her always saying things like,"Putting that "Baby on Board" window hanger in your car is like advertising for your child to be kidnapped." Well get this mom, now people have these customized stick figure stickers that advertise not only the fact that a baby is on board, but the entire family make-up, each member's hobby, and the family pets!

On the way home from church today, I spotted the best family sticker yet. On the rear window of a Nissan Quest were the following characters: Golfer dad, Shopaholic mom, Soccer Boy, Cheer Girl, Baby girl, Fido, Ferret and Bunny. I went on over to the dark side of my mind and surmised that if I chose to break into this house on it's well manicured cul-de-sac, the following would occur: Upon entering the house I would be greeted by a golf club wielding man in his skivvies, a woman in a T-Shirt ten sizes too large, swinging her new over sized Coach purse like a weapon. Soccer boy (who loves the game so much he sleeps in his cleats)awakes during all the ruckus and begins to kick my shins repeatedly. Cheer girl is so tired from her sleep over last night she doesn't even wake. We all pause to cover our ears the minute baby girl begins her shrill screeching after which the beating continues as I try to make my way out of this insane house. On the way out the Fido takes a chunk out of my rear, the ferret leaps onto my back, crawls up my shoulder and latches onto my ear, and I trip over fluffy the bunny.

I used to just think my mom was over protective, and a little nutty. It's the gentle reminders, like silly car stickers that help me keep her memory alive.

Confessions of a poser blogger.

Okay loyal followers, I know you exist out there somewhere. I created this blog thinking that two posts per week was no big deal- and that I could commit to it. NOT. I vow to be better. My new goal is once a week. Thanks for your continued support of my creative outlet.

Dinner With Friends

A couple months ago, our good friends came over for dinner and afterwards they decided it would be fun to go through our high school yearbooks. Yeah, Fun? Fun is playing poker or scrabble, not reading autographs from people you don't even know. Here is a sampling of some of my favorite lines from my autographs. I still don't know how to take some of them. The funny thing is, high school was a great time, even when the life events that occured during high school weren't so great.

"Hey Woman...I'm so glad I am finally getting away from you (J/K), here...but for serious though, you're a great person and really fun to hang around...Thanx for being so mean to me, I understand it's your nature (J/K)..."

"Sorry I gave you a hard time in calc. It was fun though. Thanks for arguing with me & keeping me on my toes. Thanks for helping me and I hope I helped you out some as well."

From a teacher...

"Do you really have to go to college?

"You aint had luv til you had CHUNK-E-LUV 555-5555"

This one makes me laugh every time I read it. Isn't high school great!

From my husband

" ...I screwed it up."- I am so glad I have this phrase in writing.

John Doe Jr. year

"I don't think your nice, you're annoying, and you smell bad, but you're still pretty sexy..."

John Doe Sr. year

"I'm really glad that we are still friends...I hope and pray that you excel at FSU and that whatever you decide to do in your life that you find happiness and joy, because that's what you deserve."

Wow, Jesus really does work in mysterious ways. I think he went to church camp the summer before senior year. Amen.

Last but not least

"I'm pooped, so I'll make it short...If you are ever in trouble, then eat some pizza. I recommend CiCi's. It works for me..."

Ashley and Paul came over for what we thought would be dinner and some much needed adult interaction, instead they received a glimpse into our last years in high school. The majority of these autographs are sincere and spot-on. The others are a fabulous source of comic relief.

Why not go brush the dust off your yearbook tonight? or at least go nosing around your parent's house for theirs.

Taking the plunge

I can't tell you how many times I have contemplated setting up my own blog. From the outside looking in, it seems like such a personal thing. I would equate it to wearing your heart on your sleeve or speaking your mind without a filter. For what it is worth, I pride myself in being a private person, keeping my work, social and family lives kept within very clear boundaries. Trying (sometimes fruitlessly) to keep them from intersecting one another. My goal for my blog is to keep it light hearted and entertaining, not dwelling on work or personal issues. Please make note that I feel completely comfortable using my family as subject material. I hope that you all enjoy the inner workings of my mind.